The completely impossible - possible List!

I want to start the journey with one of the main goals I have set for myself and I am fully aware just how much work it is going to take to achieve it. This particular goal is actually a two part goal and a milestone goal in one even larger than this one.

My four year goal, to be reached by April 8th 2015 (my 45th birthday) is to have sold 1000 (one thousand) of my self-published books!

I've been self-publishing for about four years now via lulu.com and have two different stores there. One for my "all ages" readers and one for my fetish audience. I can tell you from experience that trying to sell self-published books is extremely difficult if you can't afford to hire marketing help. Considering that I am a niche writer and only known in a very small circle of people, it really doesn't help.

Couple this with one more problem which I am working hard to resolve and get a lot better at. Matter of fact I have already made a huge progress on it. My grammar and spelling. English is my second language and even so I am pretty good at speaking it and do so only now, the grammar and spelling used to be my biggest Achilles heel. Word spell checking software doesn't detect a lot of the mistakes I would make and since I didn't have an editor for my books (couldn't afford one and we all know how it works with asking people for help without being able to pay them) I was stuck muddling through the best I could.

Now that I have made a progress in it, I have started the daunting task to take one book at a time, rewrite it, extend it and publish it as a second edition. As soon as the 2nd edition goes up, the original gets retired. Talk about a lot of work and in a way stressful since I don't want to give substandard work to my readers.

I have three particular books in mind which I am trying to get to the sales goal within the next four years as I said. Two of them are in the rewrite process right now and the third book is a sequel to one of them. I hope to have those done by no later then April of this year.

The good thing about me is that I have a large capacity for continuous writing. Meaning I can sit literally for upwards of 10 hours in a stretch and work without too much negative backlash. That will come in very handy at this point.

Since two of the books are mainstream sarcastic humor with a dose of reality based (which makes it PG 13) I am working on building a writer's website for it. Yes, I even had to learn how to do that myself. Chuckles, you would be surprised how many lovely little skills I picked up over the years.

I'll tell you more about the books when they have been released for sale in their 2nd and 1st edition version.

The extended and main goal once I achieve this break through is to publish a Bestseller by the time I reach 50. I realize that I started pretty late in life to work on all these goals, but for the first few adult years of my life my focus was entirely on the survival and education of my children instead. I had made the decision to have them out of the house before I would take the time it would take to work on achieving my dreams and goals. You can't serve two masters and serve them well.

Now I would be most grateful if anyone would have some solid advice for me without trying to sell me some sort of service I can't afford anyways. That always gets so depressing. :(

I would be happy to hear from you!

~ Regina Sunderland



I won't let life keep me down forever!

 I bet you were wondering if this was going to remain an empty blog forever. Just another one of those million of tumbleweed blogs which blow away with the passage of time.

Honestly for a while it looked that way, even to me. Matter of fact for almost two years I was unable to rouse myself to continue this blog on.

Why, you may wonder if you are the curious sort. See the problem was the premise of this blog, the motto, the title and of course the whole meaning of the blog.

I had lost my own belief for a bit that nothing is ever impossible.

For many years I have struggled, yes I used that horrible word - struggle - the not only keep my relationships flowing fairly smooth, get past the empty nest syndrome which smacked me square in the face when my youngest joined the Airforce, but working like a madwoman to get my online businesses of the ground.

I really thought I had it all under control too, until one day my whole world seemed to want to crumble around me. I won't go into what happened since it is now water under the bridge, but let it be enough to say that it shook me up. Made me question every little decision I ever made and wonder if carrying on was really worth all that work and heartache I was going through.

I have to say I put a really brave face on all of it too. Clamped down hard on my-self and locked all those fears, worries and discouraging thoughts up inside of me where nobody could see them. I kept moving forward, but truthfully just about every day was becoming a struggle for me.

No it wasn't physical illness (my back has always hurt me on a chronic level) but more the feeling that I was finally defeated. The worst part of that was that this feeling of being defeated wasn't even in just one area of my life, but just about every single one of them. I wanted to scream, cry, not get out of bed and yes I admit it at times I even wanted this whole messy life just to be over with. I had hit rock bottom.

You know what the great thing is about hitting rock bottom? You can only go up from there! The thing is that most of the time it is a really slow, painful and often frustratingly lonely climb back to a comfortable spot.

I turned inside out so to speak. Became introverted and most of my days were spent in contemplations or my head sunk into work. I withdrew from all the pain as far as I could. Most of the time that wasn't easy either since now was the time I needed help the most. I bet you know what it feels like when you have to blaster that fake smile on your face so the world assumes you are ok.

I wasn't ok so. I was far from ok. I was fighting for my life and for my sanity. The worst part about problems and issues being inside yourself, the pain coming from the mind, soul and heart is that there no cure for that. You can't just go see a doctor and pop a few pills. That never cures it in the long run. It just pushes the pain out longer.

From Mother's Day 2010 until about December 2010 I went into what I now consider my "fuck you and the horse you rode in on stage" which was coupled with a scary for me formation of ice around me. You know everything around me could have collapsed or ended and I would've probably not even cared. Finally in December I got a small breathing space, but the pain never really left. See the problems with scares on the spirit is that they don't heal like bruises on your body.

I entered my waiting mode. You know the mode where just wait and see how things develop? That is probably one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. It is not in my nature to just sit and watch things unfold without some sort of safety net put to good use. The introversion became actually even worst with me. I could hold full conversations with people and seemingly pay attention to what everyone around me said and was doing, but all I did have was a record playing inside of me. A really screwed up record that kept saying over and over: "Maybe you would be better of dead. Maybe if you just walk away now, it won't hurt you so much when you finally get kicked away for good. Maybe if you just accept that you are never going to reach your goals and dreams it won't bother you so much." Talking about a defeated attitude. I was fully and truly defeated.

I couldn't even stand looking in the mirror anymore. I had made so many great changes before this destructive moment had happened back on Mother's Day, and they just felt as if they were all for nothing. Why had I even tried?

It wasn't until roughly August of 2011 that I finally stopped being afraid to even breathe lest I make a mistake again and be condemned even further into this hell I was thrown into. Now I have to be honest and say that a lot of what had happened was caused partially by my own doing, my own mistakes and insensitivity's, but those were from many years before. By the time it hit me, I had already undergone major changes and it all just felt as if I was being punished for something or someone I know longer was.

From August 2011 on I finally started to get some of my hope back, which was badly needed. At the end of December 2011 I finally crashed down and had an emotional melt down. I was burned out on all ends and silently adjusted once more a little further into personal silence.

I had to rearrange my work schedules with had become outrageous in their intensity. I had to adjust the very way I was viewing things. I gained weight like you wouldn't belief and my smoking (cigarettes) became way out of bounds. I was literally trying to eat, work and smoke my-self to death. I guess somewhere deep down inside I knew it too. I saw the signs, but at that stage still helpless to stop myself. The emotional melt down was the blow I needed once again to take stock of what and how my life has changed.

Now 2012 is a new year and with that brings new problems but opportunities as well. I am finally back and daring that I can turn the impossible into the possible after all. The only difference is - now I know that I don't have things under control. I can't and won't ever assume again that I am safe, that I have found my place where I belong. I learned just how quickly that can be yanked out from underneath you. I've become a lot more watchful than I used to be, and that is saying a lot since not much went past me.

I am strong again, but that strength is a different type of strength then I had before. It is tempered now. I've become a lot more patient as well than I was a couple of years ago. I know now which dreams I can work towards and run my head into the wall repeatedly until it finally cracks, and which ones will only cause further damage to me.

Once upon a time (now I know what fairy tales always start that way) I made myself a vow. I was never going to settle again for less than what I was worth. Now years later, I had to finally admit to myself, that nobody ever receives what they are worth or there would be a whole big redistribution of what people have and achieve in life. Life isn't fair, but I can do the best I can to make it as fair as possible. There will always be a few of my dreams that will always be out of my reach, that is the way of the world when other people are involved. Yet there are a few dreams which are within my grasp if I just don't give up again.

Those are the dreams and goals I will concentrate on from here on out. Those are the dreams and goals I will share with you. The rest, well it will resolve itself one way or the other over time. I'll just let the universe take care of that for me instead. Ah yes, that is the other thing that has changed since that fateful day. When I almost lost everything that meant anything to me, I found myself again. Ironically that self is spiritually strong, loving and kind, and realistically optimistic. She is a true Goddess walking on this earth, without the Goddess complex.

If you can identify with this, let me invite you to stay tuned for the new journey which is about to unfold. For the little Ram who thinks she can and puts her head down to knock away the im - from - possible.