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Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Renewing a relationship after all seems lost!
I love my man! I can't say that enough and it never changed even when things seemed the darkest for us. Even when he no longer wanted me as his wife, I still couldn't and wouldn't stop loving him.
Our situation was not unlike thousands of other people in the USA. A relationship gone wrong, too many wounds, too many painful mistakes, too many thoughtless words.
What differs maybe is that neither of us ever cheated on the other one. Neither of us slept with anyone else. Even after we agreed to no longer be a couple, we still remained faithful to each other. Strange I know, but at least for me there was nobody else I would ever want.
Today was supposed to be the day I would leave for good. We had agreed to be room mates, but I just couldn't handle this. I love him too much to stand there and just be a room mate. Now we never legally divorced either, but the rings are off.
Literally only a few days ago, we have agreed to try to see if we can heal our relationship. You see I don't call him my husband yet, because in order for that to be true he needs to love me as his wife and life partner. At this point he can't, not yet and maybe not for a long time to come.
Yes both of our emotional wounds are deep, some of them there from way before we even met. I do not blame him alone, I carry fault as much as he does. We both fucked up. We both had bad circumstances who turned us into people who simply could not match to each other. We both brought a lot of pain into our relationship which in the end caused even bigger problems. So there is no need for sorry. From either one of us.
What there is need for is time and the natural progression of things. Time for us to trust ourselves again and each other. Time for both of us to let the past heal.
The one thing I learned over the last 6 months was that I need to get out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. I need to let someone smarter then me do the driving on this one. I can't map out this route, but need to trust that we will arrive safely at our destination.
I need to allow myself the luxury of not being in charge all the time or trying to be in charge. That is something which has always been hard for me, giving up control. In this case so, I learned that I have no control over what happens from here on out. I can only control my actions and thoughts. I can only make sure that I am not ruled by my emotions, which are often irrational as they are for all living beings.
When all seemed lost it was the simple things that I missed the most. Being held at night as we watched TV together. Listening to his heartbeat when I was stressed or hurting. Cuddling up against his back to fall asleep. I am so grateful to have those things back now and I will never take those for granted again.
For now those are enough. The rest may come in time, but I won't be the one driving it along. I do dream for the day when I once more hear "I love you" from his lips, but that won't be for a while to come. Words are easy for us women, but for men those are hard.
So I shall look rather then listen. Wait rather then force. Try to be patient instead of pushing. For me at least he is worth all that and more.
Wish me luck and I in turn wish luck to all of you out there in the same circumstances.
Our situation was not unlike thousands of other people in the USA. A relationship gone wrong, too many wounds, too many painful mistakes, too many thoughtless words.
What differs maybe is that neither of us ever cheated on the other one. Neither of us slept with anyone else. Even after we agreed to no longer be a couple, we still remained faithful to each other. Strange I know, but at least for me there was nobody else I would ever want.
Today was supposed to be the day I would leave for good. We had agreed to be room mates, but I just couldn't handle this. I love him too much to stand there and just be a room mate. Now we never legally divorced either, but the rings are off.
Literally only a few days ago, we have agreed to try to see if we can heal our relationship. You see I don't call him my husband yet, because in order for that to be true he needs to love me as his wife and life partner. At this point he can't, not yet and maybe not for a long time to come.
Yes both of our emotional wounds are deep, some of them there from way before we even met. I do not blame him alone, I carry fault as much as he does. We both fucked up. We both had bad circumstances who turned us into people who simply could not match to each other. We both brought a lot of pain into our relationship which in the end caused even bigger problems. So there is no need for sorry. From either one of us.
What there is need for is time and the natural progression of things. Time for us to trust ourselves again and each other. Time for both of us to let the past heal.
The one thing I learned over the last 6 months was that I need to get out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. I need to let someone smarter then me do the driving on this one. I can't map out this route, but need to trust that we will arrive safely at our destination.
I need to allow myself the luxury of not being in charge all the time or trying to be in charge. That is something which has always been hard for me, giving up control. In this case so, I learned that I have no control over what happens from here on out. I can only control my actions and thoughts. I can only make sure that I am not ruled by my emotions, which are often irrational as they are for all living beings.
When all seemed lost it was the simple things that I missed the most. Being held at night as we watched TV together. Listening to his heartbeat when I was stressed or hurting. Cuddling up against his back to fall asleep. I am so grateful to have those things back now and I will never take those for granted again.
For now those are enough. The rest may come in time, but I won't be the one driving it along. I do dream for the day when I once more hear "I love you" from his lips, but that won't be for a while to come. Words are easy for us women, but for men those are hard.
So I shall look rather then listen. Wait rather then force. Try to be patient instead of pushing. For me at least he is worth all that and more.
Wish me luck and I in turn wish luck to all of you out there in the same circumstances.
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